“Cast a pebble on the water, watch the ripples yearn the spreading…”
Lyrics from "Michelle’s Song" by Elton John
Image sourced from Google Images
Sunday morning. A Sunday morning. The Sunday morning. Always start where you are. This one I started differently. It was my psyche speaking that I needed to do it differently this morning. Not the same routine. (the sane routine…or is it…sane?)
When I was struggling with an eating disorder everything was laid out like clockwork. The internal workings of the clock were complications and I was in such fear of chaos and being out of control that I had to hold to a routine as rigidly and strictly as if my whole existence depended on it. Because in a way it did. I felt I would not exist or be able to bear anymore out of control chaos externally because the contrast and haunting of my internal chaos was so machinated and encompassing. It took gargantuan effort to conform the wild workings of my “not normal self” so I could make myself and others think I was “together” and fitted into the world I felt outside of always. Feeling outside something that may not be congruent with your true self is not inherently a thing to be mended, No. The grace to step back and neutrally observe (if neutrality can be mustered) is helpful as much as one has the space to know, to intuit the what, where, how and why of anything. One’s instinctual nature can be so easily drowned out in the enmeshment of the sensitive soul essence that feels the outer and inner so profoundly, deeply and delicately, that only in the space between…the breath…the silence between the notes of the music, can a person truly discern the resonance of self and others and know we/he/she is both…separate and one all at the same time.
There is something so genuinely soothing about being able to hold what appears at first glance to be polarities and yet are the “flipside of the same coin”…Is it separate but equal? Or just equally so..equally true? I had heard many years ago that all great truths were paradoxes and at that time I could only intellectually comprehend that. I could not then truly feel or embody it because I was too attached to the duality and the drama that came with the oh so many movies of my own and others’ lives. I could not step apart from it then and was so attached to the idea of the “other” being my sole reality and truth that I could not step back out of the fear of annihilation…that I was nothing without an outer reflection that I was something…often just anything so I could say I deserved to be…I did have moments where in those in betweens…the space between the breath, the glory of nature, the euphoria of music, the colors of the majestic beauty of this life that I would stop knowing and Become…To Be and need n,o explanations..no talk…the voice of truth that would lie in the silence of the oneness to All. Then and only then did I see. When all the rhetoric, the musings and poetry are set aside, or not, but embraced in their entirety as all paradoxes must be…there is one abiding force that is present always and eternally: We, here on this planet….We call it Love…When all illusion and distractions fall away this love remains, and is eternal and all. In the end, my reflections and complexes and daily dramas are only those vehicles that I believe were necessary, and divinely appointed to bring me ‘round back to my Self which is in the end, a drop of water which is one with the sea…and all abides in thee…this Love, this God…This God is Me.
—MV